Posted on 12/12/2017 by Gary Fay
OK, so, we shouldn’t really be doing this because our candidate CVs are highly classified and we treat data security with utmost respect BUT...it’s Christmas, and this is the gift that keeps giving.
We were trawling through our filing cabinets the other day, looking for a contract, and this beaut fell out from behind one of the drawers - a CV from Santa himself.
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We’ve got no idea how it got there, or what job he was applying for, but here it is in its entirety.
Santa, if you’re reading, get in touch, we’ll find you the perfect role.
Curriculum Vitae - Nicholas Saint
Santa’s Grotto, Lapland, North Pole, XM4 5HQ
I have over seventeen hundred years’ experience as a festive personification, starting as a working saint in a cosmopolitan imperial city and working up to CEO of a worldwide manufacture, distribution and communications concern.
Although I have held a senior position for nearly two hundred years, I have never shied away from frontline duties, and still take an active role in research, development and shipping, personally carrying out our December distribution operations.
Core Professional Skills
- Personal insight and impartial judgement in naughty/nice cases
- Team leadership
- Positive mindset
- Customer facing children’s entertainment performance
- Grinch resolution
Core Technical Skills
- Hands-on toy design and construction
- Animal handling
- Sledge maintenance
- Time and motion management (global delivery cycles completed in 24 hours, every time)
- Champion mince pie consumer
Education, Qualifications and Awards
- EASA Light Aircraft Pilot’s Licence (covers up to two tonnes, up to three passengers, in aeroplane, helicopter, balloon, glider or sledge)
- USA Commercial Driver’s Licence / UK Heavy Goods Licence (Class A: 26,000 gallons and up)
- Level 5 Elf & Safety Certificate
- Level 3 Advanced Technical Qualification in Reindeer Wrangling
- Raspberry (mince) Pi developer
Orthodox Church, Byzantium, Dec 300 - Dec 1454
After qualifying for the bishopric of Myra in 317 AD, I carried out small miracles for groups of starving children, clerks, famine-stricken ports, sailors, and unmarried daughters of poor families. In this last capacity I developed the ‘chimney stocking drop’ technique which has become the industry standard for gift distribution.
Herald of Noel
Church of England, Plymtree, Dec 1455 - Dec 1821
During this period I relocated between European locations, developing and tailoring regional variations on the Father Christmas brand. I also managed the changeover from celebration of St. Nicholas’ Day on the 6th of December to the modern combined festivity, streamlining practice for more efficient holiday fun.
Jolly Old Elf
New York Sentinel, NY, Dec 1823 - Dec 1897
This transitional period was among the most challenging of my career, and included overseeing the ‘Kris Kringle’ persona. Although this ultimately failed, I learned valuable lessons about heritage brand management, which I took on board when establishing my own company in the twentieth century.
Santa Claus Worldwide, Lapland Dec 1902 - present
As the owner, manager and public face of this globally recognised brand, I have developed extensive public relations skills, as well as contacts in the entertainment and retail industries. I personally recruit and train new Santa Claus franchisees, head up our December delivery push, and carry out consultancy work for major Hollywood studios working with our IP. I am also a prolific performer on screens of all sizes, with over 80 credited performances for The Coca-Cola Company’s annual ad campaign.
Hobbies and interests
- Jolly laughter
- Relaxing by the fire
- Drinking sherry
- Socialising with elves
By Jonathan G Meath (Jonathan G Meath) [CC BY-SA 2.5], via Wikimedia Commons